it seems to me that i tend to either a) attact only liars or decitful boys
or b) turn all good intentioned boys into liars.
i had one of those dreams that i havent had since the steve days, one where your boyfriend is cheating on you and the only way you find out is by looking online somehow. i felt so nervous that i had this dream. like super nervous. i did the wrong old habit thing. i looked at his history and low and behold once agin i found that my boyfriend had been lying to me, saying mean things about me, and telling his friends to bring "bitches".
im a wreck. i thought he was perfect.
im destroyed and i shouldnt be writing about this on here but i need to vent it so bad.
im sick to my stomach and shaking constantly crying.
im just hurt.
i must be the worlds worst person to deserve this. to be made fun of and to be lied to.
once again this month someone i love dearly is holding up the mirror and pointing out my flaws.
this is my fault i shouldnt have done it, ive never thought of doing it until this morning. when i get these feelings though i am always right.
im just glad i got to have the first good canada day which i havent had for the past 3 years. at least someone was holding me and telling me he loved me and so happy to introduce me to his friends. even though its all obvious today im still thankful for that.
i really hate pet stores now. they will tell you anything to make a sale. the chick i bought my second hamster from said i can keep two hamsters in one cage. BUT after doing some research on the internet it turns out you shouldnt keep teddy bear hamsters together after a few weeks causet they will fight. i havent seen anything on hamsters not being territorial. turns out im now scared of my hamsters.
right now i think the only thing good about this whole moving thing is
a better future for my parents a bigger room for me and having a reason to keep my room clean... seriously you should see it!
so im making a sweet ass hamster cage for my hamsters. a small but tall thing. its awesome. im doing a whole bunch of plexiglass levels(with holes that i drill myself) its gunna be rad. i dont wanna think about cleaning it but at this point i think this is the only option because i like to spoil my hamsters and i am sick to death of them waking me up by chewing on their cages. glass and plexiglass = not as loud as wire cages.
so yeah i havent worked in two weeks. im praying they will finally call me in today. but hey its summer. mail is slow. and i knew this job would be this unreliabe when i took it so i cant complain.
anyways i think thats it. oh dess boyfriend comes back to town tomorrow! yay! (he doesnt live here) and it will be des and taurians + dans and my 1 year anniversary soon. same day. sweet.
anyways why am i sitting here? people are coming to look at the house in an hour and im not dresed. oops.
i just realised i have 81 dvds. which if i wer to have bought them at 999 would be about 810 dollars. but im not counting my seasons and the ones i paid full price for. ewww
i read someones livejournal last night. it was a long one but it made me remember what it is like., to feel that insecurity. to be finding phone numbers everywhere. i decided to take my mind off of that by cleaning my room and upos cleaning my room found my old journal that i havent written in since i left steve. so i started reading, but reading it was hard because most of it was beating up on myself, thinking i was doing everything wrong. wanting to not exist and begging for a better life. it made me really really sad to see myself like that. to see that i was so unhappy and so in denial for 2 1/2 years. it made me happy though because it made me re-realise how great my life is now.
so the last entry in that old journal was august 4th. i was still "with" steve but i had just met dan.i had just come back from what dan and i consider our first date.
we had gone to see old boy (the movie) and talked our entire way through it. pissed our friends off and some people infront of us, but it was great. so much communication between us. it was something i hadnt experienced in my whole life. i broke up with steve a few days later and told dan i liked him. this was easy cause i knew he liked me since trevor told me.
anyways that was the last entry. over nine months ago.
i made a new one. just updating for when i decide to look back again. nothing long, just a list of the positive things that have happened since august 4th.
here it is:
i used to complain about wanting a perfect boyfriend who would notice me and go to many lengths to show he loves me....
-got it (♥ dan)
i complained alot about my two jobs at fairways and university heights. and how i wanted a job with respect and that was good paying.........
-got it at canada post!
i complained about being told i was using someone as a taxi and how i wanted my own car so no one could accuse me of this again....
-got my dream car 99 VW golf!
the only thing on my long list of complaints in my old jounral is that i havent lost like a million pounds. but i am trying by changing my diet and trying to get a bit more active (although it doesnt come natural to me) and ive lost 5 pounds. woopideedoo. i wanted to start taking the hot yoga classes with michelle from work but since she is working grave yard for 4 months and i am working 5 - 11 for god knows how long it doesnt really work out anymore. POOP!
anyways there is my big long entry on how greatful i am about my life. ill try not to let the small things bother me and let it bring me down because i have 3 huge great things to focus on.
yesterday my mom said she wanted to go look at subaru at new foresters. turns out she is a tricky trickster and really wanted to look at cars for me. with the new job and al she wants me to be able to get there! so.....
im getting a 99 vw golf today.... dream car (other than a chevelle)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM LIKE A KID ON CHRISTMAS MORNING hence the reason it is 6:30 and i am awake.
i was told that cpc made a mistake and i cannot be a letter carrier or a mail service courrier and would maybe be able to get internal work. eg sorting. boo.
and my sister miscarried. i cant discribe the way i felt when i heard this. i was blank with tears pouring out.
my loss doe not compare to her loss but we both lost the most important things to us today.
i took my driving test today in the canada post truck and passed with flying colors! sop that means starting tuesday i am going to be trained as a mail carrier!!
this is my dream job and i couldnt be happier that it came to me without doing anything!! seriously!! who gets offered their dream job while they are telling a customer where to take their attitude and put it. lol. me.
i am just back from mexico (♥) so that means i have a tan for once!
nothing could be better.
I have the perfect man for me he loves me to pieces my mom and i are closer than ever even tho shes far away i have a tan i always seem to have fresh lillies on my desk from dan i have my dream job and i am the happiest i have ever been in my entire life!
so eat it minimum wage! on to bigger and better things!
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liz_mcfizz's journal
soooo excited!
accomplished
calm
excited
crushed
bitchy